Where the metro at?

N: I was walking to the gym,and this man asked me a question. I assumed he was trying to hit on me. Because that's what guys from DC do. He said, "Where the metro at?" (white girl voice~slow and confused) I thought he said, "Where you tryna sleep at?"

{laughter}

N: Well it sounded the same at the time. So I said, "In my dorm." And he gave me a funny look, so I thought he was trying to pursue it. So I said, "Well, that's later I have to go to class now, so I'm leaving."

{more laughter}

N: Then he said, "I asked you where the metro at." So I told him. (in the "and then I found $5 voice")

Crabs

S: I want some crabs.

J: Oh I hear those are pretty hard to get rid of.

Tim Meadows Voice

K: Are you implying that Barack Obama is not the thsexiest man in the histhory of the Cthspan Netwoork?

Hibachi Grill and Strippers

K: We were sitting at Benihana's and I had an idea. What if there was a stripper pole on top of the hibachi grill? The strippers would have to take a running leap at the pole.
They wouldn't be able to put their feet down. They'd just have to be more creative.

K: They would be weak by the end of the shift.

K: They just gotta man up.

*****

K: Get on that pole and I wanna see cheeks clappin' all night! I wanna hear it!

K: Keep ya feet up. It's hot! ssssss! Yes, it's hot bitch!

On Megan Fox's GQ Interview

K: Who are these people raised by where they think they can save strippers? Have they not HEARD OF 3 6 Mafia?



K: She does NOT WANT TO BE SAVED. I wish I had been a teenager tryna save stripper... I don't understand these wild teenagers. I didn't know any strippers. I didn't snort cocaine off some man's penis.

Salad HAHAHAHA!

S: Oh no! Now my salad's all tossed!

{laughter}

S: Why are you laughing?

Gossip Day Part Deux

PETA URGES BEN AND JERRY TO USE BREAST MILK

S: I don't even feel like breast milk is real milk. It's minerals and nutrients for babies.

K: It's like Vitamin Water for babies.

S: I don't even think its thick enough to use in ice cream. Even if it was, it smells funny. It stinks.

K: Why do you know this?

S: My mom. When my mom had my brother and...

K: How old is your brother?

S: Eleven!

K: Then, you shouldn't know this.

S: You know it was warm too.

{laughter}

S: Just kidding. I don't remember what temperature it was.

K: I don't remember if it was 78 degrees or 85.

{laughter}

***

K: First of all, I thought that's what cows are for.

K: {reading from the story} "PETA officials say a move to human breast milk would lessen the suffering of dairy cows and their babies on factory farms and benefit human health."

Last time I checked, having your titties played with twice a day does not constitute suffering!

J: They proved the point right there. DAIRY COWS are for dairy. You not gonna tell McDonalds and Burger King to stop selling beef burgers.

K: What else are cows are for? I don't understand. We have lawnmowers, they keep our grass neat. What else are they for?

K: Spaghetti, burgers, steak...

K: HOW DARE YOU TAKE MILK FROM A DAIRY COW!

K: And they have those tubes so the cows know it's coming. They may even like the tubes. You don't know what they're thinking.

K: Yea better than real calves. They have teeth. Why do you think men pay for toothless prostitutes?

Gossip Day September 13, 2008

CLAY AIKEN COMES OUT!

Shocking news of the day part one.

Our thoughts:

K: We all knew. Those people that picked on you on elementary school knew back then.

J: Doesn't he look like Jamie Lee Curtis?

K: When he was having sex with men, we knew he was gay.

My Grandfather's Baby Mama

R: Damn! Samuel Coleridge was one of ten kids!

K: What? Is that a lot?

R: Hell yeah that's a lot!

K: Oh. My mother is one of ten and my father is one of eight.

R: Damn! You know how mad I would be if I had a baby mama who got pregnant everytime I hit? I'd be mad as hell! Now I can't hit again for nine months cus she knocked up!

K: So, are you calling my grandma somebody's "baby mama?"

Old White Men Revisited

{Text message}
J: I got a sexy middle-aged white man for you: the dude who hosted "Family Feud" back in the 70s he kissed women contestants hello. He got swag for days! He was also on the match game a lot. (Richard Dawson)

K: Yessssss! lol. You think this is a game? Don't be surprised next semester when you see some Anderson Cooper looking dude creep out of my bedroom during the late night hours! lol.

J: Ew. K. Ew.

K: This is serious lol.

Liberation on CNN

On the hype surrounding CNN's "Black in America" special
J: They think liberation is coming....on CNN @ 9pm????

Anderson Cooper

{Text message}
J: Anderson Cooper IS a WEE sexy. But he couldn't get the draws--> his penis is pink. And his pubes are probably white like the hair on his head.

K: I don't care! He and his pink dick and white pubes could still get it!

Candy

K: Your boo was just here.

J: Ew.

K: And don't say ew, you know you want his candy.

More Caribbean Vacation

{text message}
C: this vacation better be worth it.

J: Don't worry, the beach will make it up to you.

C: No eff the beach, I better have couple of Hellen Kelers. Hell, I wanna be blind, deaf, AND MUTE!

J: On the beach.That'll be your money's worth.

Pirates of the Caribbean

{Text Message}
J: Being here, I keep thinking about Pirates of the Caribbean

C: Well then, go up to a sexy man and say, "ARG! I'm a pirate and I'm gonna get your booty!"

Movie Review: The Happening

K: M.Night Shyamalan has done it to me again! I am severely disappointed! He will not be getting any more of my money! the ending was so stupid.

J: I think you missed the point he was trying to make.

~3 weeks or so later~
{text message}

C: I just saw The Happening. It was good. It was a "save the planet" infomercial with a frightening twist. It made me wann go out in the yard and talk to some grass ask it how its day is going but Ima wait til the morning, it might be sleep. It made me wanna get buck naked and hug a tree.

H2O

K: That water is probably a good idea as you head downhere to the American Riviera aka "Little Africa"

Superhead and the Blow Hoes???

{text message}

K: Tell me why my big sister's boyfriend was talking about Superhead and my sis said,

"Is that a singing group?"

She was like "I never heard of her."

... She said "he told me she was some kind of vixen or something." and,

"I thought she was some kind of lead singer of The Superheads."

But now she knows the truth.

*Watching independence day*

J: That mug looks like Predator and Alien both.

C: Yea. Like Predalein.

Baby Toes

J: Your toes are not that bad looking. Have they been that way your whole life?

N: No. Not when I was a baby. Baby toes are sexy. You could suck those anyday.

mah hair

*someone leans on her hair*

C: oh my gosh my hair! It's real you know.

N: No it ain't! *whispers* she has one track

I-pods

J: You know I don't have an i-pod

K: Well, we need to get you one. We'll make you one. It'll be all na-tu-ral. It'll be made out of bark, wood shavings, grass, and little pieces of copper.

J: AHAHAHAHAHA! Little pieces of copper?

K: Yea we'll get you some copper.

J: I'm done with you.

K: oh! and we can get little diamond shavings to decorate it!

Pimps and Gold-diggers: The Irony

J: If a man uses a woman for her money and what she has to offer for his benefit, he's a pimp. If a woman uses a man for his money and what he has to offer for her benefit she's a gold-digger.

Office lovin'

{text message}

K: There's a Black man in my office. I want his body.

C: check and make sure he doesn't wear floral briefs.

K: Lmao! Na I don't think so. But I would gladly check. Gotta find an excuse to go to his office.

J: You betta go in that office for a pick-me-up!

Depression commercials depress me

{text message}

J: These commercials for depression meds are depressing. Isn't that contradictory?

C: Perhaps but the valtrex commercials are extra happy and ain't shit happy about herpes!

From the mouths of babes...

"When you get kids, be a good Black woman on the outside, but stay a kid in your heart."

Juggle My Balls {Origins}

C: You know what? You can juggle MY BALLS! {deep man voice on the my balls}

(seconds pass)

C: (sweet girl voice} I'm sorry that was harsh.

Get ta STEPPIN!

{text message}

J: I woulda told him to leave then.

C: Hell yea, I woulda told him to kiss my grits

J: Nah man, I woulda told him to kick mutha fuckin rocks and eat shit and die. and I been listenin' to "call Tyrone" all day--I am NOT in the mood!

C: Not with that break up with ya man music.

J: Yup. And don't lie. You know you woulda told that man to juggle your infamous balls.

Troy

C: That's okay. I hope when you get famous, you one day meet Troy. And she smacks you with her penis. All in the mouth. Right here. {demonstrates}

On Kobe Bryant

K: Kobe didn't rape that white girl. You know how agile you gotta be to rape someone while recovering from KNEE SURGERY?

A: Yea. That's what he went to Colorado for, it was on his to do list. Hit the slopes...knee surgery... rape a white girl.

On Catholicism

K: You know those Catholics. They like to stay in prayer all day. I mean ALL DAY.They gonna have beads... They're probably going to be excited to see the Pope. I'm not ready for all that.

Usher Update 6.16.2008

{text message}
C: I think Usher's wife beats him.
R: Yea, with her penis! I wonder what their children will look like?
C: Jamie Lee Curtis

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Wrong?

Would it be wrong of me to take my stipend and buy a pole? - Anon. for his or her protection =D

Standards

J: If you have a FABULOUS {AMAZING} woman in your life, raise your hand. If not, raise your standards.

Natural Birth

C: FUCK THAT! I want {CRACK} when it's time for me to go into labor.
I want to be {CRACKED OUT}!
I wanna be higher than a {GIRAFFE'S ASS}!
I wanna be so high I could eat a damn STAR!
When people say C, how was the childbirth, I wanna say, "I don't remember I was playing with purple midgets."

You know the Lord told me something about you

Q: If the Lord had somethin; to say he would told ME about it! Not you!

Old White Men

J: Mark Walberg is the only white boy in Hollywood that could {TRULY} get it. All day.

K: What about Patrick Stewart?

J: Who is that?

K: The guy form star trek, he...

J: NOT PROFESSOR X FROM X-MEN!? EWWWWWWWWWW!

K: Girl, yesssss. ooh and Alex Trebek and oh my goodness you know who could really get it? Anderson Cooper!

J: I'm through with you. This conversation is over.

K: Old white men mmmmmmm

J: ugh. I'm so over you.

[she was very serious]

Laughter is the worthy response

K: It'll be more like a muu-muu and a head wrap!

Helen Keller Destroyed

J:She's not gon be Hellen Keller, she's gon be Anna Mae!

Magic powers strike again

K: I can't drink after you.

J: Why not?

K: You have magic powers.

Shea butter?

K: Listen here shea butter!

J: I'm lightweight offended!

K: You sayin you don't like shea butter?

J: Yes I do like shea butter but what does that have to do-

K: Well then it's your new nickname, shea butter.

"natural people"

[You should know she was inebriated when she said this]

K: I don't like to punch natural people because y'all have magical powers. Y'all work roots and shit.

FAV

B: I'mma need you to either get it together or take it apart.

Ashton

B: Where is Ashton? Because I've been punk'd!

RUDE

C: He said I look like I smoke. That was rude. I wanted to tell him he look like he don't get no ass!

Stevie Wonder**

J: I AT LEAST wanna be Stevie Wonder up in this piece! Can I get a little Foxy Brown?

** see Helen Keller post for proper context.

Giving Up Superwoman

J: "You ARE NOT superwoman. But you CAN be a superb, AMAZING, wonderful woman."

Emergencies

{Text message}

K: Do you have any frozen spinach? It's an emergency.

{two days later}

[call]

J: Do you have any creamed corn in a can? It's an emergency.

K: This ain't no damn emergency!

This is my wife, Troy- I mean Tamika

{On Usher and his new "wife"}



C: Usher's wife beats him. I'm convinced.

J: Yea how does he put up with it. Fired his mama, converted to Scientology. Her pussy ain't that good.

C: I bet her pussy doesn't even have confetti. I bet it doesn't even have sprinkles...you know what she has? You know those thingys from the three hole puncher. And you be strugglin' with it and they all fall out and you get frustrated. She don't even have that. Because she's a man named Troy.

Helen Keller

{Scene: she discovers she paid $13 for a box of ONE condom}

C: For $13 I betta turn inside out and go blind for AT LEAST 5 minutes. Hell! I wanna be blind AND DEAF for at least five minutes!

J: BWAHAHAHA! you just said "Shit, I wanna be like HELEN KELLER up in this piece!"

*weak*

Ballas Strike Again

{Scene: on the train; a very public place}

C: Am I being cheap bc I don't wanna buy new draws? {for the bf to see her in}

K&J: Draws are for ballas!

K: You betta wrap up in a towel like this {demonstrates} and unveil. "Greetings"

Overheard in the "family planning aisle"

{Scene:"family planning" isle of CVS}

K: If you missed those {condoms}, here! Try these! {always in the same isle as the pregnancy tests and diapers}

C: For $20 dollars it betta talk!

K: No it'll sprout an extra one! For twice the fun!

Seafood

K: when I start getting paid, I'll buy my own seafood. BIIITCH!

Show Some Respect!

K: Those men have been studying all day! {med school and dentistry students she means} Future black doctors. You betta show some respect! Spread 'em! Bend ova!

J: Baby, everybody needs a study break. I'll be yours. heeey.

Make My Body Tingle

(Scene: in H&M we see the prettiest male underwear ever created and banish any man who dare disrobe in front of us in such atrocious "underwear." It goes like this:)

C: Are those floral print draws you have on?

K: Those floral print panties you have on make my body tingle.

Another motto

K: Maaaan enjoy yourself.

Lollipop

K: Lil' Wayne is a fool. He's clearly not talking to Black people. What Black people you know eat "lollipops?" Black people eat SUCKAS.

Cockblockers get up out the way! **

K: Man she wouldn't even leave the room.

J: That sucks.

K: So we fucked in the bathroom.

**Title is a line from this song

Networking

R: ...networking and kissing things of that nature.

J: Kissing?

R: Ass.

J: On the mouth?

R: Ass.

J: oh.

Luxuries

K: Laundry is for ballers! Fabric softener what??? You betta spray some febreeze and hang them clothes in the closet!

rough night, eh?

C: the next morning they told me I had peed on my ex...

Magic City

*Listening to ^above^ song*

C: I wanna go to Magic City.

J: Why?

C: They make it sound so cool. (as if this were the most obvious explanation)

Weave Stroking = Love

O: I gave her my year. She ran off with all of my stuff. I was ready to be there. girl I was ready to stroke yo weave the rest of my life.

Laughter is the Only Comment

T: He is gay all over his face.

Vaginal Semantics

J: Wait! This is a serious question now: Do vaginas actually have walls???

(laughter)

J: No really-- all this talk about beatin' down a woman's walls but do they actually exist as such?

Sex Tape

K: I would never make a sex tape. (pauses) I take that back. I just wouldn't put my face in it.

ICE CREAM!

E: So I'm on my way to____ but the ice cream truck is down the street. Oh my God. Is that an ice cream truck? Oh my god. The child in me is saying get a move on, get the hell over there.

Beauty Conquers All

E: Don't hit me sir, I'm beautiful.

our motto and inspriation

J: Your foolishness is intolerable.

Go Green, Only Deeper

S: We are not the masters of the Earth; we're simply the keepers.

Purpose

This blog's purpose is to document the foolish antics of my friends and family and even random people on the street. For your entertainment. Feel free to chime in. and most importantly *ENJOY YOURSELF*