J: You know I don't have an i-pod
K: Well, we need to get you one. We'll make you one. It'll be all na-tu-ral. It'll be made out of bark, wood shavings, grass, and little pieces of copper.
J: AHAHAHAHAHA! Little pieces of copper?
K: Yea we'll get you some copper.
J: I'm done with you.
K: oh! and we can get little diamond shavings to decorate it!
Monday, June 30, 2008
I-pods
Pimps and Gold-diggers: The Irony
J: If a man uses a woman for her money and what she has to offer for his benefit, he's a pimp. If a woman uses a man for his money and what he has to offer for her benefit she's a gold-digger.
Office lovin'
{text message}
K: There's a Black man in my office. I want his body.
C: check and make sure he doesn't wear floral briefs.
K: Lmao! Na I don't think so. But I would gladly check. Gotta find an excuse to go to his office.
J: You betta go in that office for a pick-me-up!
Depression commercials depress me
{text message}
J: These commercials for depression meds are depressing. Isn't that contradictory?
C: Perhaps but the valtrex commercials are extra happy and ain't shit happy about herpes!
From the mouths of babes...
"When you get kids, be a good Black woman on the outside, but stay a kid in your heart."
Juggle My Balls {Origins}
C: You know what? You can juggle MY BALLS! {deep man voice on the my balls}
(seconds pass)
C: (sweet girl voice} I'm sorry that was harsh.
Get ta STEPPIN!
{text message}
J: I woulda told him to leave then.
C: Hell yea, I woulda told him to kiss my grits
J: Nah man, I woulda told him to kick mutha fuckin rocks and eat shit and die. and I been listenin' to "call Tyrone" all day--I am NOT in the mood!
C: Not with that break up with ya man music.
J: Yup. And don't lie. You know you woulda told that man to juggle your infamous balls.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Troy
C: That's okay. I hope when you get famous, you one day meet Troy. And she smacks you with her penis. All in the mouth. Right here. {demonstrates}
On Kobe Bryant
K: Kobe didn't rape that white girl. You know how agile you gotta be to rape someone while recovering from KNEE SURGERY?
A: Yea. That's what he went to Colorado for, it was on his to do list. Hit the slopes...knee surgery... rape a white girl.
On Catholicism
K: You know those Catholics. They like to stay in prayer all day. I mean ALL DAY.They gonna have beads... They're probably going to be excited to see the Pope. I'm not ready for all that.
Usher Update 6.16.2008
{text message}
C: I think Usher's wife beats him.
R: Yea, with her penis! I wonder what their children will look like?
C: Jamie Lee Curtis
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Wrong?
Would it be wrong of me to take my stipend and buy a pole? - Anon. for his or her protection =D
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Standards
J: If you have a FABULOUS {AMAZING} woman in your life, raise your hand. If not, raise your standards.
Natural Birth
C: FUCK THAT! I want {CRACK} when it's time for me to go into labor.
I want to be {CRACKED OUT}!
I wanna be higher than a {GIRAFFE'S ASS}!
I wanna be so high I could eat a damn STAR!
When people say C, how was the childbirth, I wanna say, "I don't remember I was playing with purple midgets."
You know the Lord told me something about you
Q: If the Lord had somethin; to say he would told ME about it! Not you!
Old White Men
J: Mark Walberg is the only white boy in Hollywood that could {TRULY} get it. All day.
K: What about Patrick Stewart?
J: Who is that?
K: The guy form star trek, he...
J: NOT PROFESSOR X FROM X-MEN!? EWWWWWWWWWW!
K: Girl, yesssss. ooh and Alex Trebek and oh my goodness you know who could really get it? Anderson Cooper!
J: I'm through with you. This conversation is over.
K: Old white men mmmmmmm
J: ugh. I'm so over you.
[she was very serious]
Shea butter?
K: Listen here shea butter!
J: I'm lightweight offended!
K: You sayin you don't like shea butter?
J: Yes I do like shea butter but what does that have to do-
K: Well then it's your new nickname, shea butter.
"natural people"
[You should know she was inebriated when she said this]
K: I don't like to punch natural people because y'all have magical powers. Y'all work roots and shit.
RUDE
C: He said I look like I smoke. That was rude. I wanted to tell him he look like he don't get no ass!
Stevie Wonder**
J: I AT LEAST wanna be Stevie Wonder up in this piece! Can I get a little Foxy Brown?
** see Helen Keller post for proper context.
Giving Up Superwoman
J: "You ARE NOT superwoman. But you CAN be a superb, AMAZING, wonderful woman."
Emergencies
{Text message}
K: Do you have any frozen spinach? It's an emergency.
{two days later}
[call]
J: Do you have any creamed corn in a can? It's an emergency.
K: This ain't no damn emergency!
This is my wife, Troy- I mean Tamika
{On Usher and his new "wife"}
C: Usher's wife beats him. I'm convinced.
J: Yea how does he put up with it. Fired his mama, converted to Scientology. Her pussy ain't that good.
C: I bet her pussy doesn't even have confetti. I bet it doesn't even have sprinkles...you know what she has? You know those thingys from the three hole puncher. And you be strugglin' with it and they all fall out and you get frustrated. She don't even have that. Because she's a man named Troy.
Helen Keller
{Scene: she discovers she paid $13 for a box of ONE condom}
C: For $13 I betta turn inside out and go blind for AT LEAST 5 minutes. Hell! I wanna be blind AND DEAF for at least five minutes!
J: BWAHAHAHA! you just said "Shit, I wanna be like HELEN KELLER up in this piece!"
*weak*
Ballas Strike Again
{Scene: on the train; a very public place}
C: Am I being cheap bc I don't wanna buy new draws? {for the bf to see her in}
K&J: Draws are for ballas!
K: You betta wrap up in a towel like this {demonstrates} and unveil. "Greetings"
Overheard in the "family planning aisle"
{Scene:"family planning" isle of CVS}
K: If you missed those {condoms}, here! Try these! {always in the same isle as the pregnancy tests and diapers}
C: For $20 dollars it betta talk!
K: No it'll sprout an extra one! For twice the fun!
Show Some Respect!
K: Those men have been studying all day! {med school and dentistry students she means} Future black doctors. You betta show some respect! Spread 'em! Bend ova!
J: Baby, everybody needs a study break. I'll be yours. heeey.
Make My Body Tingle
(Scene: in H&M we see the prettiest male underwear ever created and banish any man who dare disrobe in front of us in such atrocious "underwear." It goes like this:)
C: Are those floral print draws you have on?
K: Those floral print panties you have on make my body tingle.
Lollipop
K: Lil' Wayne is a fool. He's clearly not talking to Black people. What Black people you know eat "lollipops?" Black people eat SUCKAS.
Cockblockers get up out the way! **
K: Man she wouldn't even leave the room.
J: That sucks.
K: So we fucked in the bathroom.
**Title is a line from this song
Networking
R: ...networking and kissing things of that nature.
J: Kissing?
R: Ass.
J: On the mouth?
R: Ass.
J: oh.
Luxuries
K: Laundry is for ballers! Fabric softener what??? You betta spray some febreeze and hang them clothes in the closet!
Magic City
*Listening to ^above^ song*
C: I wanna go to Magic City.
J: Why?
C: They make it sound so cool. (as if this were the most obvious explanation)
Weave Stroking = Love
O: I gave her my year. She ran off with all of my stuff. I was ready to be there. girl I was ready to stroke yo weave the rest of my life.
Vaginal Semantics
J: Wait! This is a serious question now: Do vaginas actually have walls???
(laughter)
J: No really-- all this talk about beatin' down a woman's walls but do they actually exist as such?
Sex Tape
K: I would never make a sex tape. (pauses) I take that back. I just wouldn't put my face in it.
ICE CREAM!
E: So I'm on my way to____ but the ice cream truck is down the street. Oh my God. Is that an ice cream truck? Oh my god. The child in me is saying get a move on, get the hell over there.
Purpose
This blog's purpose is to document the foolish antics of my friends and family and even random people on the street. For your entertainment. Feel free to chime in. and most importantly *ENJOY YOURSELF*
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